Not the answer I planned...

For about 55 hours this weekend, through a Flight Doctors mistake, I had the answer I was searching for. But I soon realised that this answer didn't automatically make everything better like I had thought it would. Sam was happy because the answer they offered us also assured us that this was a one time thing and couldn't affect any other babies we chose to have. I on the other hand just hurt. This bogus answer brought me a million more questions, not to mention guilt. But mostly this answer scared me, if something as trivial as some germs, brought home from preschool, could kill my baby what else is waiting out there?
I know what everyone is probably thinking about me that it's been 8 weeks and I should be able to put this behind me and move past this. Do I want another baby? No, I wanted this baby. She can't be replaced. All babies are not the same. All we know about the baby we lost in December is that she was a girl, 7 inches long and only weighted 5 oz. Did she have blue eyes and blond like Laura? Was her blood type A like me or B like Sam? If we decide to move forward and start over the next baby might not be anything like her, the next baby might even be a boy. Do I want another baby? I want the one my body promised me, I want the baby that was normal and healthy the 3 times we heard her heart beat.I think I might finally be ready to move on.