I'm having a hard time making future plans, you would think I'd be used to this by now. For the last 2 years I haven't wanted to make plans to far out because maybe I will be pregnant or now even a more far fetched idea maybe we will actually have a newborn. I'm embarrassed admitting this to anyone but Sam, I gave up hiding the crazy from him years ago. This has never been a subject I'm real comfortable to talk about with other people, and I've always thought it was because it could and has taken Sam and I months and months to actually get pregnant and I don't need anyone Else's hopes counting on me, trust me I have enough in this area. But now I'm extra embarrassed for anyone to know I have these thoughts because maybe they will think it's to soon to be hopping for another pregnancy maybe they will think we are crazy to fall in love with another baby or worse maybe they will feel bad for us.
Is it to soon to be hopping for another pregnancy? Some people, Sam included, would ask do you really want to go through pregnancy again? My only answer would be do I have another choice if I want a baby? Are we crazy to fall in love with another baby when the possibility of the same outcome is still hanging over our heads? Probably. The doctors have tried to reassure me that all the test have come back normal and we have Laura so this must prove we can have healthy term babies. I on the other hand remain sceptical, I've learned that there is so much they don't control and even don't know. Despite this I can still hope they are right and that modern medicine and knowledge will help.
This is one of the only pictures I have of me pregnant with Laura!
My hope is that in 4 or 5 years from now we can look back at this as one of our worst years that gave us a great reward. But how do you plan for a bad year that at best will just be the most stressful year?
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