Need to plan a workout...

Today at Laura's school I got mistaken for Stephen's mom, usually this wouldn't bother me because Stephen's mom seems like a nice lady. But Stephen's mom just had a baby, like 2 weeks ago, so this is either a great compliment for her or a wake up call for me.

Laura wears a uniform to school, this is her in her spirit shirt!

Planning on being nice again...

Why are people so annoying?
I don't know what is wrong with me, logically I know that everyone is different, I'm no better then anyone else and every one's life is full of ups and downs. But unfortunately this doesn't stop me from being annoyed at everyone most of the time, and then taking it out on poor Sam. If someone has good or bad news to share, I'm not picky it will all bother me. I have been trying to come up with a reason for my feelings, but the only conclusion I've come to is that I'm just a mean and cynical person, or at least on my way to becoming one. It doesn't help that everyone I know is having a baby. Trust me I'm not exaggerating, I don't know that many people and the pregnant ones are in the double digits. I probably need to me medicated!

A picture of Sam and I taken by our small photographer!

Trying to plan...

I'm having a hard time making future plans, you would think I'd be used to this by now. For the last 2 years I haven't wanted to make plans to far out because maybe I will be pregnant or now even a more far fetched idea maybe we will actually have a newborn. I'm embarrassed admitting this to anyone but Sam, I gave up hiding the crazy from him years ago. This has never been a subject I'm real comfortable to talk about with other people, and I've always thought it was because it could and has taken Sam and I months and months to actually get pregnant and I don't need anyone Else's hopes counting on me, trust me I have enough in this area. But now I'm extra embarrassed for anyone to know I have these thoughts because maybe they will think it's to soon to be hopping for another pregnancy maybe they will think we are crazy to fall in love with another baby or worse maybe they will feel bad for us.
Is it to soon to be hopping for another pregnancy? Some people, Sam included, would ask do you really want to go through pregnancy again? My only answer would be do I have another choice if I want a baby? Are we crazy to fall in love with another baby when the possibility of the same outcome is still hanging over our heads? Probably. The doctors have tried to reassure me that all the test have come back normal and we have Laura so this must prove we can have healthy term babies. I on the other hand remain sceptical, I've learned that there is so much they don't control and even don't know. Despite this I can still hope they are right and that modern medicine and knowledge will help.

This is one of the only pictures I have of me pregnant with Laura!

My hope is that in 4 or 5 years from now we can look back at this as one of our worst years that gave us a great reward. But how do you plan for a bad year that at best will just be the most stressful year?

Sharing some pictures...

At a time when life wasn't exactly wonderful, there was something healing in letting myself bask in the magic of Disney: that everyone can be happy and dreams really do come true. ~Redbook

The last year or so I haven't been sharing as many pictures of Laura as I used to. When she was a baby we would send out emails with pictures of whatever was currently going on, we didn't need a special occasion to share. Now that she has gotten older I started to think that people would get tired of seeing Laura die eggs, blow out her candles or dressed up in red, white and blue every year, so I stop sending the picture updates out on a regular basis. Also this provided a comfortable excuse for me to ignore the fact that in the last year I haven't taken so many pictures of Laura, for example yesterday she was dying a few eggs, a little early but she l likes to do it multiple times before Easter, and I didn't take one picture. There was a time when half an SD card would be filled.

Last week at school Laura's class did mismatch day. It was unfortunate that Sam wasn't home to dress her since this was the one day I was confident he could get it right.

Not planning on having a couple of friends....

It's sad to admit but Sam and I have virtually no couple friends. Yes, we know lots of couples but there are none that we have hung out with since moving to Vegas. So I was excited when Sam made plans for us to hang out with an old friend and his girlfriend.
Things seemed to be going great despite my social awkwardness, it didn't look like Sam and I were coming off as weirdos. But Laura who is always well behaved and pulled together choose this afternoon to let it all loose, literally she vomited all over the rug. We probably could have recovered from this since technically it was no ones fault Laura had a little stomach bug. But apparently this was the day Laura and the cat would put there differences aside and do something together. Toby must have thought Laura was having fun because while Sam and I usurered Laura to the bathroom and scurried to to clean up the mess, he walked over to the other rug disgustingly without an embarrassment threw up a hair ball. The afternoon of wii pretty much ended after that and I'm sure they left our house hopping not to return anytime soon. I can't blame them I wished I could leave too.

Should have thought twice before planning...

Back in December when we lost the baby people started telling me about their own struggles with miscarriage and their experiences with losing a baby. In the beginning most of these stories helped me realize that other people had hurt like I hurt and had survived it. I especially took comfort in how these women went on to have more babies, all who told me their story got pregnant immediately after or even before the doctors "waiting" period ended. Their stories ended with beautiful babies or nice round tummies ready to pop.
I never expected something that brought me so much comfort could turn on me so fast.
After we lost our baby Sam and I wavered on how soon we should try for a another pregnancy we thought we had time to talk it out, but six weeks came fast. Our "waiting period" was over so Sam and I decided to throw caution to the wind. I had heard that a pregnancy can fix a lot of the issues that get in the way of conceiving and that the months following a pregnancy usually prove to be your most fertile. I didn't know if any of this was true or even applied to my situation, but I didn't care fueled by all the storied with happy endings my hopes were sky high. When I received my period later that month, late but as prominent as ever, I was devastated. Logically I knew that it took us months of trying to get pregnant the last time, but I couldn't see that. All I could think about was all those woman who got pregnant right away, how they all had babies to hold or nurseries to decorate. My body failed me again.

Planning some wrapping!

The Last couple of years when I've had baby on the mind I've started collecting baby things I liked or thought I might need. I'm embarrassed to admit just how out of hand this "collecting" has gotten, but I've always been aware of this habit and knew things where starting to pile up but, who can turn up cute baby shoes on sale? What surprised me when I went into our storage/ baby room (again use whatever term make us look less pathetic for having an unused room in our house) was that I've apparently moved on to hoarding other items.
One side of this room contains some of the baby items we've kept, and hauled hundreds of miles, from when Laura was a baby. I say some of the things because early in my grief I moved most of the bins filled with stuff out to the garage and insisted Sam haul it to Goodwill. Lucky for me my husband is a proticator and these bins are again safely stored in the garage storage area. In the middle of the room items that don't have a specific home any where else in the house have been haphazardly stacked around Sam's elliptical. Then there on the other side next to the closet is a pile of wrapping paper and gift bags. There are at least 13 rolls of wrapping paper, some opened and some still sealed tight, and a Happy Birthday Bag with numerous gift bags and sheets of tissue paper stored inside. I would like to say that when I'm buying new wrapping supplies I forget that I already have some at home, but no the truth is much more twisted. I buy most f these on clearance at Target and just can't turn down what I think is a great deal. Who knows what I think I will be wrapping, hopefully something big!

Planning on posting but....

The last day or two I have been planning on writting a post I have a few topics swirling around in my head, but a not so avoidable obsttical keeps popping up. Someone small won't stop talking. Even now writting these few lines has taken me 10 minutes and I still may not be making much sense. The reason... Dr. Laura won't stop talking. To finish these last couple of words I had to tell Dr. Laura her nurse was paging her with a phone call, this bought me 1 minute of silence while Dr. Laura went to find the phone then brought it in to talk. I haven't had a queit moment with Laura around in the last three years, she even talks through movies. So excuse me while I take medical advise from a doctor who has a smear of chocolate on her nose from the fudge pop she had an hour ago.