But for the last 3 years I have dreaded my birthday, this year more than ever because this year I entered my thirties. I have been anxious about this birthday for a while now and even though Sam has tried to comfort me nothing has been able to make me feel better, because he can't stop time or change history. Every year that I age not only does my fertility decline but Laura also ages and the gap between her and any baby we may or may not be able to have widens. I know that any doctor I talk to now is still going to tell me the same thing that I am still young and they have not proven that fertility starts to decline until you are over 35; therefore I still have plenty of time left. To that I would say five years might not be enough time to have a healthy pregnancy and birth considering we have been actively trying to conceive since our last failed pregnancy two years ago. I know that looking at these numbers the best thing for us might be to consider ourselves lucky for the beautiful healthy seven year old we have and stop hoping for the miracle it will probably take to expand our family. Every month as Sam and I dissect our monthly activities looking for any clue why we are still not expecting we discuss giving up. We discuss how even though frequently it seems the world is designed for a family of four we could be happy and someday even feel satisfied with our smaller family of three. But every month I say the same thing just one more month then I will go through the boxes and bins of baby stuff that take up a whole corner of the basement, then I will stop testing for peak fertility one more month and we can set new goals. Turning thirty shows me that I cannot ignore time is passing, I can give us one more month or even fifteen for a second child but soon Sam and I will have to give up any option we ever had of a third baby, five years is just not long enough.
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