Frank the elf....

Last year we decided to start a new holiday tradition. We decided to get an "Elf on the Shelf". We brought our elf home, named him Frank, and read the book that accompanied him. The book explained that Frank is a scout elf, this means that he watches the children during the day, then he reports to Santa at night, reappearing in a different spot around your house every morning. Certain rules have to be followed in order for Frank to keep his magic strong, no touching being the biggest. The problem is we got a defective elf, every morning Laura wakes up and hunts for him, but he isn't always in a new spot. To make matters worse twice Laura has woken up and confirmed Frank was in the same spot, then left the room. When she returned Frank had moved to a new place, never very far from the original spot though. The only "reasonable" explanation for this is that Frank the elf has been falling asleep on the job, and not reporting to Santa during the night like his job description states he should. Then when Laura wakes him up early in the morning he waits til she leaves then quickly sneaks to a new position. I'm considering writ ting a strong worded letter to Santa reporting Frank for dereliction of duties.

The Battle of Good vs Evil

I am currently caught up in the battle of good verses evil. I'm not reading a book or watching a movie, it isn't Harry against voldemort or Aslan against the white witch, it's Mom verses dirty five year old. I'm fairly confident that good will prevail using the argument "you have leaves in your hair", and clean hair will be smelt across the land. But the said truth is I can't be certain.

My plans thwarted..

I had wonderful plans for today, after traveling last week and spending the weekend catching up on the mountain of laundry, I was pleased that I would have today to take it easy. Well at least a couple hours to myself after I dealt with Laura's large(considering she isn't even in a numbered grade yet) pile of homework, got Laura dressed for school, and then actually drove Laura to school. After that, the next 2 1/2 hours would be all mine. This plan was suddenly thrown off course when Sam informed me,before I even got out of bed, that he would be staying home today and working on Sunday, he went on to list all the things he planned on getting done on his day off. It sounded like Sam had a pretty productive day lined up. This of course ruined my strategy of reading a book while Laura was at school, then working fast to straighten up and throw together dinner the last hour before Sam got home. When he got home I would explain how busy I had been, therefore he would assume my busy day was what kept me from mopping or folding that last load of laundry. This was a great plan, but it just doesn't work the same when Sam is doing yard work on the other side of the glass doors.

Unexpected Return....

This weekend we took out our Christmas decorations. Decorating for Christmas has put Sam and I in a strange mood. Having the house set up for the holidays again reminded us of last year at this time. When we hung our three stockings by the chimney with care 12 months ago, we were already planning on where the fourth stocking would go. When we wrapped the presents for Laura we were already discussing buying presents for a baby again. Of course a couple of weeks after the decorations where up we learned we would not have a 7 month old in the house during the next holiday season. What followed in the next couple weeks was some of the worst times in my life. the memory of the grief I felt in those couple of weeks is still very clear, but I haven't thought about it much lately. It was astonishing how clear some of those feelings returned, by putting garland up on the mantel and bulbs on the tree we were reminded that a whole year has passed.

Thankful...

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful for what we have. Instead of being thankful recently I have dwelled on what I don't have. This year I'm thankful for many things, but in light of everything we have been going through to have another baby I'm most thankful for Laura. She is a smart, beautiful, and independent big girl who is developing quite a sense of humor. I have always taken for granted how easy Laura has always been. She became a part of our lives as the best surprise I've ever received. There were no hormone tests or pills to conceive Laura and after an uneventful pregnancy she came into the world quietly. She continues to surprise us every day with her eagerness to learn and empathy for others. She defiantly has her moments of trouble, but I'm very thankful she is part of our small family.

Unready for change....

This afternoon, my baby, my one and only child will start “Big Girl” school. I’m wavering between disappointment that she is ready to move on from staying home with mom all day and excitement that I will now have 2 ½ hours a day to myself. Most of the time I’m just scared to death of the idea of my little girl, she’s only 5, going to school with the big kids. GULP!
I’m not ready for her to move on, this year ½ day kindergarten next year college, especially since I’m unsure if I will every get another chance to have someone at home with Mom all day.

Meal planning...

Everyone pretty much knows that Laura is an extremely picky eater. We aren’t certain where she got this trait from, with the exception of only a very few items Sam and I eat everything. Her pickiness started pretty much the day she started eating solid food. She refused to eat most of the baby food including the “desserts”. The only thing she would eat out of a baby food jar was sweet potatoes, witch could account for her lifelong obsession with the color orange. Unlike most picky eaters Laura isn’t swayed by sugar content, she knows what she likes and therefore it doesn’t matter if you call what she refuses to eat a “treat” or a “desert”. The only thing that she will eat under any circumstance, weather it was covered in frosting or dirt is chocolate.
As you can imagine because of this life can get pretty difficult at our house around meal time. But in the last month a strange phenomenon has happened, Laura, one of the most stubborn children in the world, has started trying new things. I wish I could brag and tell you that being the wonderful parents that we are Sam and I came up with a creative way to gets Laura trying new foods. But the truth is like potty training Laura decided when she was going to do this on her own. Therefore I’m proud to announce that Laura, world’s pickiest eater, now eats “sausage sandwiches” or what the rest of the world refers to as hamburgers, with actual ketchup on in.

Unplanning your civic duty...

Like many military families Sam and I are residents of a state we don't actually reside in. Mostly for tax reasons, Sam and I are currently residents of Florida. We vote in Palm Beach county elections, we each have a valid Florida drivers license, and therefore Sam doesn't have to pay income tax on his military earnings. This is a great deal that has been working for us for the last 7 years. Although this week we hit one of the few snags in our system, Sam got called up for jury duty in Palm Beach county. This is a very long commute for Sam, therefore the Palm Beach county clerk of courts has included the public transportation schedule since Sam doesn't have a car registered in the state of Florida. Instead of taking the gamble on riding public transportation across the country Sam has decided to get excused from jury duty, although apparently this is easier said then done. I would have thought that since the county just sent him a absentee ballet our situation would be in there records.

Job opportunities...

Today I was cleaning up the house, obviously the Monday night scramble to get everything done didn't go well, and Laura was playing "Dragon" with Baby Max. When she paused for a drink of "ice cold water" she lovely informed me not to worry I wasn't the dragon, I was just the "castle cleaner". Who would have thought that all those college classes qualified me as a castle maid.

Sweet Jusitice...

The last couple months I've been poked, prodded and seen by what feels like every department of the Micheal Callaghan Hospital. They have taken gallons of blood and I won't mention how they got the pictures of my ovaries, just to tell me that everything is fine and to take a few months to consider the risks and side effects of fertility treatments.
Now this week finally a ray of sunshine in my otherwise gloomy fertility life. It's Sam's turn to be poked and prodded. The next step of our "fertility challenge" is a seaman analysis. I thought I would enjoy Sam getting more then his far share of humiliation from a process that has stripped me of practically all my dignity, but so far I'm just waiting on pins and needles for the results.

Effecting our plans...

In October of 2007 I went off birth control, now one long TDY, one deployment, and one move later we are no closer to having a baby then we were almost 3 years ago. In the mist of my appointment with Dr. J, I can't help wonder when enough is enough. When should we just let the cards lay how they fall or throw in the towel. Basically when should we just be happy with what we have. We've already made sacrifices in other parts of our lives, but should we allow our whole lives to be consumed by conceiving a baby? How far should we take it, when we already have one healthy beautiful daughter?

Laura in April 2009!

Some help planning...

In the beginning of June I started seeing a doctor that is willing to work with me, she happens to be the doctor who delivered our baby in December. Even though she hasn't been there since the beginning, she is sympathetic to everything we are going through. She sat down with me and read over every test that was preformed on the baby, on the placenta, and on me after and before the delivery. So far no one has been able or wiling to do this with me. Dr. J assured me that she didn't think anything was wrong with me, she dismissed my self diagnoses of secondary fertility problems, and explained to me that stress and anxiety can play a significant roll in ovulation and conception. Besides telling me the obvious that I should try not to analyze every aspect of the reproductive process and sending me to a counselor who specializes in stress and anxiety, Dr. J told me she would not make me wait the mandatory 12 months to start fertility testing, she even mentioned some fertility drugs. A confirmation that nothing is wrong by some more blood test and the doctors helpfulness has allowed me to be hopeful again that maybe this is an actual possibility.




I know this clip is long, but I love how they see babies in the clouds, they paint the room and ready the nursery with care just to have the doctor tell them otherwise.

A new hair plan...

I've become lazy, actually who am I kidding I've always been lazy, now I just see proof staring me in the face. Laura has dried out green hair! She has been in the pool and sun constantly this summer. We have been very strict about the application of sunscreen, but apparently not so meticulous about making sure to wash and condition her hair after the pool. The combination of sun and chlorine has made the front of Laura's hair very blond, unfortunately this new coloring comes with a price. Her hair feels like straws, even after we wash and condition it, every morning she looks like she went to a hair salon run by a Muppet.

A dam good plan...

Last weekend we had company in town and since she had already seen and didn't want to re see the obvious highlights of Las Vegas, we got to skip the strip. Instead we visited the Hoover Dam. We got to take a dam tour, with a dam tour guide, and other dam tourist. We took some dam pictures, watched a dam movie and learned some dam facts. As you can tell I think the Hoover Dam is a damn good time!

It's actually damn pretty.

Sam was tired of the dam pictures by this point.

Is laughter the best medicine?

This week we got to hang out with some old friends from college. It is easy to forget how uncomplicated and simple it can be to hang out with good friends, friends who have seen you go through rough patches before, friends who know how to offer a distraction when you need one. I don't remember the last time I laughed this much. It was probably back in college, when I fist met Sam. Not everyone gets Sam but, I've always loved his sense of humor. The deployments, miscarriages and long hours of the last couple of years hasn't brought out the best in anyone's sense of humor. This last week hanging out with friends who have been there since the beginning of us, sharing the inside jokes you thought died long ago and making new memories revived something in me that everyday life sometimes hides, laughter.

Sam and Jason sometime around 2002

Kelly and I in July 2004

Everyone last weekend!

Taking a planning break...

I know, I know I haven't done an updated post in awhile but I've been very busy. Here are a few hints to what we've been up to lately.

Besides not having time to update, I also haven't had time to dissect why we aren't pregnant.

It all worked out...

It's official we are the worst parents ever! Sam and I went to Disney World without Laura. Laura got it in her mind about 4 months ago that she wanted to spend some time at Gramma's house without Mom or Dad. We threw around a few ideas of how to make ths happen, for a few reasons we settled on Sam and I finding something to do for a couple nights in Florida while Laura was enjoying Gramma time. We narrowed it down to a few choices, the finally decision was ultimately made when Sam forgot our passports therefor eliminating the Bahamas. Sam and I thoroughly enjoyed our mini vacation from everything. We got to walk around and eat at restaurants without having to worry about entertaining a 5 year old.
When we got back we explained to Laura where Mom and Dad went to spend some quality grown up time. I wasn't sure how she would react to this news, I couldn't fault her for being disappointed that she wasn't taken. But, Laura was nonplaused, she felt that she had the better end of deal because she got to hang out at Gramma and Grampa's house alone.

The best applied plans...

We finally found the correct exit! Sometimes you just have to pay better attention to the road signs. Today Sam, Laura and I made it to the beach! The waves were a little violent, but given that we live in a land locked state we can't really be choosy. Since the beach on a hot day is usually a baby free zone, I left a lot of my worries behind. Although by the end of the day I had something new to worry about, Laura got to much sun. I'm very embarrassed to admit that Laura may have a sunburn! Usually I'm very cautious with Laura, she is always covered in more then enough sun protection. Obviously I veered to far to the right at the relaxation exit, and missed the sign telling me to reapply the SPF 50 more often.

A wrong turn...

We thought we were going on vacation but we must have taken a wrong turn. We were suppose to take the exit marked relaxation and sun, but we must have accidentally taken a detour and ended up on Baby Boulevard. I've mentioned before that it felt like everyone in our lives are pregnant, having babies, or just had one, the last two weeks have confirmed this is as fact.

We started off the first week with 12 month old, Kylee!

We completed our week with 3 week old, Kolten!
We spent some time with 14 month old, Evan!

And finally we met 8 week old, Rachel!

It would be nice if I could say that all this time spent with family, friends and their babies has been nothing but fun and laughter, but I can't. Most of the time has been pleasurable and I hate to admit how much I have thought about myself and my "situation". Each one of these babies irked me in a different way. Two of these babies are genetically related to my baby, who they suspected had a genetic problem. One of these baby's Mommy told me she was 7 weeks pregnant, and I can't help wondering why her and not me. Two of these babies where born just weeks before or after our babies due date, as I held them with Laura at my side I couldn't help but think this was how it should be for me.

** As a side note I did not take 2 of these pictures, therfore I can't take credit for the good ones!**

Graduation plans...

This weekend my little girl, my baby, graduated pre-K! In the fall Laura starts kindergarten, I have been trying unsuccessfully to ignore this fact. All the other moms at school have been talking for months about where they are sending their 5 year olds to kindergarten. I have been steadily avoiding it. Today, when Sam enrolled Laura in Kindergarden I had to face the music, my baby will officially be starting at elementary school in August. To make matters worse she wants to ride the bus to school. Here in Las Vegas Kindergarten is only half day, thank god because I'm having a hard enough time with the idea of her going everyday.I can't bear the thought of her in a school with the "big Kids". Laura though is excited, she can't wait. All day we talked about meeting new friends, having a new teacher,and learning new things. I believe I scored points in the Mom area by not begging her to want to stay home with me for just one more year. I have empty nest syndrome!

It is pretty self explanatory as to why Sam had to take the initiative and actually sign Laura up for school.

Making plans together...

Today I have been married for seven years. Looking back I knew Sam and I would have good times and bad, some experiences would bring us closer and some would threaten to pull us apart. But back then everything was theoretical. I could picture us having our first child, but I could never imagine how good it felt when they placed Laura in my arms and how the experiences and responsibilities of parenthood would bring Sam and I closer. I knew there would be sorrow in our lives too, I always thought that Sam and I would make it through these together relaying on each other. We've always been united. Everything was close to how I pictured it.
I always hear stories of couples who have split up after the death of a child. I thought how could you go through something that has to be harder then anything else together and then some how not make it through a marriage together. But after everything that Sam and I have been through the last couple of months, our baby dying, going through numerous test, never getting an answer and not knowing if and when we will have a healthy baby, I know that it would be easy. Everyone handles things in their own way, everyone heals in their own time and I know from experience that these don't magically line up for two people just because they are married. One day the other person can make things ten times worse the next day you would never have made it through without them.
There have been plenty of times lately that I have been afraid Sam and I won't see the end of the tunnel together. Sometimes it seems like we are on two separate pages, sometimes the way something makes me feel is no where close to how it effects Sam, some of the time he thinks I'm too sensitive and I think he is heartless. But then I think about the hours and days after the baby was born, while lots of family and friends where there for me, I never would have made it through without Sam, after all she was his little girl too.

All the things we planned...

This week Sam and I have been married for 7 years, this actually doesn't seem so long but so many things have changed since we said I do…

Seven years ago we had a 5 year plan on kids, we made it 1 year.
Seven years ago gas only cost 1.74, but we only had one car to put it in.
Seven years ago we had 1,000 in our bank account, and we thought we were rich.
Seven years ago we moved to California, we had a whole empty room in our house.
Seven years ago we thought we would live all over the world, 3 states down half a world to go.
Seven years ago we had we had our whole married life in front of us, the future seemed so far off.

Winner takes all...

Laura is currently trying to earn money for a gameboy. She has been trying to earn enough money since January. Since she decided to spend most of her Birthday money in February on Build a Bear clothes, she only has about $15. A gameboy cost closer to $150. She is suppose to earn money by doing chores around the house, she also gets a few coins a week if she behaves in school, positive reinforcement and all. Last night Sam taught Laura a better way to earn money gambling. Laura wanted to play BINGO and apparently Sam finds a simple game of Hello Kitty BINGO boring, so he suggested we all put in a dollar and the winner takes all. Laura ran to get her piggy bank and counted out 4 quarters, I had to take a lone because apparently I'm the only one in the house without cash on hand. Laura probably lost about a dollar when all was said and done, but as we were putting her change back n her piggy bank I told her tomorrow there would be an opportunity to earn more money by helping me out around the house, she responded with or we can just play BINGO for money! I hope Sam feels good about himself after hustling a 5 year old.

Trying again to find the Blue Fairy...

If you were wondering where I wondered off to in the gap of entries, I apologize we went back to Disneyland. We have the season passes and they had a deal at the hotel we like so we thought why not? Here is a little bit of fun in what has lately been a not so fun world!

Waiting in line is sometimes hard for Laura....

so I bring some snacks.

I think I can help Disney...

I have alot of good ideas.

I took at least 40 pictures over the 3 days but I only actually appear in 3.

Not sure what is going on with this...

but Sam thinks it's hilarious.



Laura loves the rides...

I know everyone is starting to thing we have come unscrewed or something worse because we keep going away on weekend trips. We don't have much of a life here at home outside our weekly commitments so we are just trying to keep busy else where. I sometimes wish that we can stay where all you need is a blue fairy to make your dreams and wishes come true.

Planned on everything being ok...

Laura cries at the slightest hint of blood even if she falls and no blood is present she squeezes her cut or scrape until she sees some sign of blood. A paper cut that is accompanied by a drop of blood can bring tears to her eyes in 3 seconds flat. Usually I just do a mental eye roll and wonder how the slightest hint of blood can send her into a tailspin.

But this morning when I saw that speck of blood make it's appearance in the toilet announcing the arrival of yet another period I knew that Laura was right a drop of blood can ruin everything. That drop of blood didn't just announce that I was again not pregnant, that drop of blood brought with it the news that our children will be over 6 years apart and at best we have another month of counting and testing ahead of us. I told myself that everything would be OK if we were just pregnant by our due date, I told myself everything will be OK if we were just pregnant soon after, now I don't know when everything will be OK.

Shame on you JLo...

It's not bad enough that Jennifer Lopez, are the cool people still calling her JLo, has twins in her real life but does she have to do a movie to about pregnancy? From what I understand from the previews she gets pregnant via artificial insemination, on the first try! Your making me feel very inadequate JLo.

Don't get me wrong I will still probably rent this movie when it comes to Netflix, I like a good cheesey romantic comedy.

My flashforward...

What was your flashforward? Sam and I started watching Flashforward when it premiered on ABC in September. On this show the whole world blacks out for 2 1/2 Minutes and while blacked out everyone flashed forward in time to April 29th at 10pm eastern time. In their flashforward people saw about 9 months into there future. The characters on the show, mostly doctors and FBI agents, go on to try to figure out what caused the blackout and to explore weather they can change their predicted futures. We start to learn that some characters liked what they saw and want this version of the future, others disliked what they saw and are hopping this isn't really what the future holds.




After the first episode I proudly announced my flashforward to Sam, we were in the hospital having a baby. At the time I thought this little joke was hilarious, I already knew I was pregnant and April 29th was close to the actual due date. Whenever we watched the show I always reminded Sam of my flashforward and badgered him about what he saw. He never told me. Events in December put a halt to my amusing joke, obviously my flashforward isn't going to come true on April 29th. Now that I think about it maybe Sam saw us baby less without any hope on April 29th in his flashforward and never wanted to break it to me, or maybe it's just a silly show.

Being spontaneous...

With the plans we had set for the next 2 weeks moved back at least another 10 months, we decided we needed some serious fun so we headed to the beach. Actually we went to the Vegas version of the beach Mandalay Bay. So for one night and two days we got a little sun, rode the waves at the wave pool, played in the sand, relaxed in the lazy river and tried not to notice all the babies. At the beach in Vegas the waves and the boobs are big and fake!